I’m going to tell you how to win after a breakup. I'm not talking about how to win, like how to egg your ex’s car or slit the tires and get away with it. I'm talking about how to win emotionally. How to win inside your soul.

A while back, I had a monumental breakup. It wasn’t monumental because we were in love or had even dated for a long time. It was monumental because after the breakup, I chose to stay on my own team. I didn’t beat myself up about all the things I should have done differently. I didn’t wallow around in negative thoughts about myself.

This was a big deal for me, because I had definitely done these things before. I remember days when I would agonize over text messages, tweaking every word to perfection, then still wondering if I worded things okay after it was sent. I remember replaying dates or conversations over and over in my mind, thinking things like, “Why didn’t I say that? That wasn’t even funny. Why did I choose that outfit? Why didn’t I ask more questions? No wonder I didn’t get another date.”

The real question was, why was it so easy for me to turn against myself? Why wasn’t I staying on my own team?

The night after we broke up, I went home and wrote everything out in my journal. I wrote about the whole conversation, everything he said, everything I said, and how we ended it. I had a lot of respect for him, so it was hard to feel rejected by a really great person.

It would have been easy to let this reshape the way I saw myself. It was as if the negative thoughts were hovering over my head, tempting me to make them part of my story. They sounded like:

“Why did I think anyone like that would ever be interested in me?”

“I’m not good enough for a really great person.”

“I’m just not good at connecting with men.”

“Maybe if I had been prettier/kinder/funnier/smarter, he would have been more interested in me.”

These were all familiar routes to me, but I chose to go for a different one. I wrote,

“I can honestly say at the core of my being, I believe I’m beautiful and capable. I’m good at connecting with men and with all kinds of people. Right now, my heart is sore, but I know I’m going to be okay.”

Dating is tough. No one likes rejection. I definitely don’t. The thing that makes it hurt more than it needs to is when we take someone’s rejection on and make it part of our identity. We let it tell us who we are instead of letting it be what it is: a lack of compatibility. If someone decides you wouldn’t be good together, that is completely okay. It just means you weren’t supposed to be with them, because the right person will want to be with you.

So here are five things you can do to win after a breakup:

1. Celebrate your successes

Be proud of yourself for taking a risk, even if it didn’t work out. The fact that you were willing to risk means you’re brave. If you’re feeling sad and hurt after a break-up, that’s a good sign! It means you started to let someone in instead of staying closed off.

2. Take ownership of your mistakes

If you got way too invested beyond the level the other person was committed to you, then you have to take ownership of that. If you played games or self-protected or contributed to the relationship not working out in some way, you have to take ownership of that as well. If you’re hurting, it’s tempting to blame the other person for everything, but owning your part is how you will heal.

3. Stay on your own team

Don’t disown yourself or beat yourself up. Find a way to accept and love yourself unconditionally. Write down all the things you like about yourself and all the ways you would make a good companion for someone. Stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself these things. These may sound cheesy or feel weird at first, but they work. Whatever it looks like, figure out a way to practice having compassion for yourself.

4. Release that person to God

At the end of my journal entry I wrote, “God, I give you all the pain and the heartache and the disappointment and the rejection of tonight. I let it go and I give it all to you. I hear you give beauty for ashes and joy for mourning and hope for despair. God, I release him to you. I thank you for him, I bless his life, I pray all the best things for him. In Jesus name, amen."

5. Do whatever you need to do to heal

If this means deleting Instagram, going home to visit family, or not talking to your ex for a year, then do those things. Take drastic measures if you need to. Don’t prolong your healing process because you wanted to “stay good friends” even though you knew it would make it really hard for you to move on.

You may wake up the next day and still feel hurt. Healing is not usually an overnight process. You may still want to egg your ex’s car, but if you take time to process your emotions and be kind to yourself, you’ll be well on your way to feeling whole again.