TRADING SHAME FOR JOY

From an early age, sex became an interesting and a secret desire. It wasn't until I was in middle school that it became a daily struggle in my life. I began masturbating every night and it always led to shameful feelings. It led me to feel like I wasn't worth very much and I couldn't ever be anyone special. I was so shy that I could never raise my hand in class. I didn't have very many friends. And I wouldn't desire an intimate relationship with God because I felt so dirty. I grew up in church and I felt like such a liar when I sat on the pew every morning.

Sexual desires completely controlled my mind and how I expressed myself. It got so bad that I couldn't even sit in class without thinking sexual thoughts. It wasn't just a thought that popped into my head, I would intentionally do it. I would go to church camp and awesome things would happen, but I wouldn't fully commit to God. I played tug-o-war with the Man who intentionally died on the cross for me. I thought that I was the only one who masturbated. In fact, I didn't even know there was even a word for what I was doing. Nobody ever told me and I was hurting myself and the people around me every day! I was depressed, I was hurting, I was shameful, I was fake, and I had no idea of what God's love was and how He could completely transform me beyond my belief.

"I would go to church camp and awesome things would happen, but I wouldn't fully commit with God. I played tug-o-war with the Man who died on the cross for me."

It was right before spring break in my 8th grade year that I decided to give up the life I was living. I was going on a missions trip with my church and I had recently been digging into the Bible more. I felt like it was time to start living a different life. Little did I know what was in store for me. God knew and now that I look back, He was helping me through it all. After the missions trip, our whole youth group began reading a book about sex, dating, and relationships. The book, thank God, approached the topic of masturbation. It was then that I realized I wasn't the only one, and now I knew there was actually a word for it! I was and am so thankful that somebody was brave enough to write about such a touchy issue.

Since then I am a completely different person, not just because I gave up masturbating, but because I gave God complete control of my life. I am a new person in Christ. God has helped me so much. He has taken away my shame and hurt and I am responding to the calling He has on my life. I am so grateful that I can wake up each day with the joy He has put in my heart, rather than the shame of what I did when no one was looking last night. I am now a Junior in high school I can gladly and thankfully say I have been free since the 8th grade! Thank you Jesus for lifting me up out of the place of darkness that I was in. Thank you for healing my heart and enabling me to find identity in You and not finding identity in my past. Thank you Jesus!

-- Stephen, 16, Colorado