As we sat across from each other at a low-key restaurant, I felt like we were the old couple you see at Denny’s who have run out of things to say to each other. It was date night. We had a sitter. We had the time. We even had the money, but we were struggling to find things to talk about. I felt about 80 years old. Heavy and weighed down by life.  

After years of managing crises, our marriage was in a rut. A stable rut. A committed rut but a rut nonetheless. We were so used to weathering storms that we had lost our flame. We didn’t remember how to delight in each other or have fun. We always had the feeling the next storm was about to blow through. It was a strange sort of parenting PTSD. Though Mike and I were a good team, the problems of life had taken over our process of connecting. Our marriage relationship had become a command center governed by the purpose of solving problems. If we didn’t have a problem to solve, we didn’t have a way of relating anymore. 

We existed in a pattern of crisis management. Each night we discussed the challenges of our kids, our sick parents, or our hurting friends. We are both decent communicators, so these challenges didn’t lead to arguments, just shared pain. On any given night we would go to bed feeling a combination of validation, accomplishment, or hopelessness depending on the crisis at hand.  

Every season in life brings unique challenges to our marriages. Toddler Tornados. Teenage Typhoons. The Aging Parent Avalanche. The Quarantine Quandary. When storms come, the marriage relationship is often the first thing to absorb the blustery winds, but then is also expected to triage the trial. So, after twenty years of marriage, I humbly submit to you what we have learned on storm watch.   

1. Your Spouse is Not the Problem 

Crisis strains relationships. It’s easy to want to blame your spouse when you are experiencing stress. They are the most available target after all!   

Your brain makes associations, and often your spouse becomes associated with the crisis and stress. This can make you want to “check out” or see your spouse as the enemy. Is it any wonder that many marriages fall apart because one spouse seeks to escape at a bar, a bowling alley, or a brothel?

As stress happens in your brain, it will turn off the relational part of your brain and send it into problem-solving mode. You and your husband may have different ways of solving the problem but because your brain has “turned off” the relational mode, it’s difficult to appreciate his strategy. You both just want the problem to stop!  Whatever the challenge, remember that relational problems need relational solutions. Wait, pray, and talk through things once you are in a good emotional state and can see your husband as a resource and a teammate.

2. The Problem is Not the Problem

The crisis is not the problem. It’s your own unique emotional and spiritual reaction to the crisis that is the problem. 

Ultimately, you are only able to manage a crisis as well as you can manage your own emotions about the crisis.  

Most people walking this planet are making decisions based on avoiding a negative emotion they don’t know how to handle. It’s easy to believe if you could control the issue then all the feelings would get fixed. But those feelings are revealing something about your soul. They are revealing something about your idols and wounds. They are revealing the areas where God wants you to grow and heal. For more about this, see https://www.yourbrainonjoy.org/new-page-3.

3. You Must Learn to Play

It’s irrelevant to the problems of life. It’s unnecessary and purposeless which is why your relationship needs play. New research is showing the effectiveness of play for adults. It clears your mind and gives you the chance to try something new and fail without consequence. During a crisis season, it can diffuse some of the intensity in life and keep you laughing together. For our marriage, this means dance lessons, long aimless walks, or even a rousing round of chubby bunny! These stolen moments cannot change your reality, but they can change your experience of your reality.

4. Linking Shields in the Battle

Sharing pain is important. Feeling heard is important. We need to know we are not alone and that we are a team facing the crisis. But we cannot stay there. After validation, we must pivot from pain to God’s purposes for us as we move forward in truth and joy.  

5. You must amplify joy

Philippians 4:8 says: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.”

We always have a choice in where our conversations lead. They can lead to appreciation or problems. When we grow our joy together, the problems feel smaller and more manageable. 

6. Sometimes you must “fake it till you make it”  

So many date nights began with us going through the motions of a connection. But as we stepped into the process of communicating and focusing on each other, it has yielded relational results. 

Predictable process = progress. There are seasons of life where you cannot wait for the perfect, spontaneous, romantic moment to arrive. You must plan for and be faithful in connection time.  

That night, as we ate dinner, we began a new process of focusing on gratitude. We amplified joy instead of problems. We started dreaming again for the future and we even danced our way out the door, light of foot and lighter of heart.

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